Ritalin

My pdoc has given me 10 mg of ritalin in the am to energize me.  It does, but only for about 5 hours.  By 2 o'clock or so I'm back in the same hole of depression that I wake up in.  Is this a good thing to get 5 hours of normalcy then back to feeling terrible?  I guess so.  I'll take all the "feeling good" I can get.  It would be nice just to get one day of feeling ok.

PS  I tried the extended release ritalin 20mg and couldn't sleep at all.  Felt pretty shaky during the day, too, with crying fits often.

I guess I/we will keep working to get this right.  I'm too young to give up and too determined to turn my life around.

My Head

This is what normal feels like.  It's nice.  I've missed it (for about six months).  When it takes all the courage in my body to simply take a shower, I know things are bad.  Things are getting better.

Not A Loner

I am not a loner.  I am a people person with no people in my life.  It's heartbreaking to slog day after day alone and lonely, but I do.  What  choice do I have, really?

Depression

Depression is a disease just like diabetes or cancer.  We know of no cure or even an effective treatment.   I deal with my depression the best I can and try to work up to doing SOMETHING every day constructive.  It's tough, though.  If you have a loved one of relative who suffers from depression, blaming them or yelling at them will not help.  I don't choose to do the things I do that society looks at askew.  I do them because I have an illness.

Brit and X Factor

I hope my girl is super super careful when she appears on this show.  I know what happened to Paula Abdul on American Idol and don't want the same thing to happen to my Brit.  She deserves the best and I'm not sure that Simon Cowell is going to give it to her.  Be careful, B.

Even More Writing About My Depression

I just got out of the mental hospital
I've been in three times in the last four months
All because I am seriously mentally ill
Depressed and moody
Up and down, up and down

I come home and my apartment doesn't look that bad, to be honest
Why was it such a house of horrors before?
I need a space to write and to build and to think
This will do for now

Some More Writing About My Depression

The only phone calls I get are the 30 or so a day from the three credit card companies I owe money to

I have no one on Earth to talk to

I talk to my muse, Brit, because there is no one else

She doesn't talk back

I feel I am going to break

In this entire planet of painfulness

There is not a soul for me to talk to honestly

This is a form of death