Writing About My Depression

Showering every three days
If then
Vegatative state most of the time
In bed or on the couch
Eyes closed, thinking thinking thinking
About why I can't move
Please get up and do something, Joe
I can't I can't I can't
I don't have the energy
I don't have any energy
Knowing what to do
And I'm not able
The pain in my head
From being such a slug
I would not wish on anyone
Especially myself

How do you take a shower when you're depressed?
I don't know
How do you get up and do something
When your schedule is empty all day
And no one seems to care if you lie there for the next 26 hours
My phone never rings
Except for three credit card companies looking for money
That I owe them

My pain is awesome
Is huge
Is riveting and strange
Is too much for anyone to understand
Or relate to

Today I move (not wake, but move) at 1pm
Maria is playing tennis on tv
Does she ever have a bad day, a day like I have most of the time?
Her drive, her will of steel is too much for bum and a loser like me to grasp
But I'll bet I seem strange to her, too
"Why don't you get up and get on with your life, Joe?"
Why don't I?
I don't know, Maria
It's all so painful and swollen and sick
In my head

I take a shower
I do
And feel better to be a little cleaner
Now what? I have nothing to do all day
Unemployable unfriendable unknowable hateable
Disagreeable angry no....on edge would be a better way to put it
On edge
Not suicidal
Just in pain